Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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