I accidentally had phone sex last night
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He shit in the fireplace
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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