well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
