He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
