and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
