Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
