I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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