I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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