so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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