My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
