Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
