Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
