i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
