I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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