i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
