I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
