dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
