"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
