you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
