I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
