Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
