You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
