if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
