May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
