Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
