Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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