i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize