I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
