I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
