i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
