Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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