Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize