so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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