I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize