I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
