my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
