I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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