so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
