I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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