I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
So squirting runs in the family.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
