he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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