Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
