did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
