she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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