then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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