I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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