Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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