My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
