so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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