I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
