But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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