Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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