dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
