I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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