I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
