i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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