woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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