why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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