Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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